Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Greatest Christmas Decoration EVER!! LOL



"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas When all through the house
Not a creature was stirrin
Not even a mouse

Mom at the whore house
Dad smokin grass
I just settled down for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard a big clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter

When out on the lawn i saw a big dick
I knew right then it must be Saint Nick

He come down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew at that moment the fucker had fell

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick 4 my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The fat fucker blew my chimney apart

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
To hell with u all Im gettin some pussy 2 night!!!!

Seasons greetings
Times r hard
Heres ur fucking Christmas card

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Antoine Dodson's 'Chimney Intruder'

WARNING!!! This is EXTRA CRISPY GHETTO!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sausage Sale

Those sausages you like are on sale again at walmart!



Monday, December 20, 2010

Sunday, December 19, 2010

3 Kids Fishing

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Barack said, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes."

Barack said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your black ass from drowning!"

Friday, December 17, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Church Lady

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the Gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh .. Mmmm how would you like to stop at this Motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

Sunday, December 12, 2010

5 Boyfriends!!



I am seeing 5 boyfriends everyday.


As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed.




Then I go to see John





Then Charlie Horse





comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.




When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.





After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with




Ben Gay. What a life. Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer!



I am thinking of calling JACK DANIELS
or
JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end,the faster it goes...so have fun, think good thoughts only, learn to laugh at yourself, and count your blessings!!!





Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old.....You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Friday, December 10, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

Kennedy Center Honorees 2010 - Ben Stiller and Jon Stewarts tribute to Bruce Springsteen LMAO!!



Gala will be broadcast on CBS on December 28, 2010 at 9:00-11:00 p.m., ET/PT

Why Is It Sooooo Cold Outside???



Because several white people (for the past 200+ years) said,
"It will be a cold day in Hell, before a black man becomes President."

Enjoy the weather.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Joke Of The Week

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bed Intruder Cop Show

In order to get this (laugh)...you have to know the history of Antoine Dodson (google him).


Bed Intruder Cop Show - Watch more Funny Videos

Creative Criminals

White bank robber Conrad Zdzierak nabbed wearing black man mask.





A white bank robber fooled cops with an elaborate Hollywood special effects mask that disguised him as a black man.

Police claim Conrad Zdzierak, 30, used the £450 silicon mask in an audacious string of six bank robberies. Five of the raids took place on the same day, April 9th.

Cops in Springdale, Ohio, released CCTV footage from the banks believing they were searching for an African-American male.

But after a tip-off, officers found Zdzierak staying at a nearby hotel.

The interior of his Volvo was splattered in red dye from an exploding ink pack taken from a bank during one of the hauls, police said.

Officers also discovered the sophisticated mask Zdzierak is suspected of using in the robberies.

Lieutenant Michael Mathis admitted police were fooled by the disguise and said he had never seen anything like it.

He said: "The suspect seen in the surveillance photographs and that we were looking for, we believed to be an African-American male.

"The suspect was actually a white male who was wearing an elaborate disguise."

Zdzierak has been charged with the six robberies and is currently being held on a $ 3million bond.

SOURCE: www.thesun.co.uk

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Wedding Cake Disasters

NBA OR NFL?



36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 ... repeat 71
Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21currently are defendants in lawsuits,

And 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.

Can you guess which organization this is?

NBA Or NFL?

Give up yet?

NEITHER.....it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Potato Joke

Well,

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other.

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

You sure?

OK!

Here it is!

A COMMENTATOR

Dog Stuck Behind Invisible Door


Dog Stuck Behind Invisible Door - Watch more Funny Videos

Monday, November 29, 2010

Leslie Nielsen Dies at 84



Beloved comic actor Leslie Nielsen who starred in 'Airplane!,' 'The Naked Gun' and 'Police Squad' dies at 84.

The funnyman who Roger Ebert once referred to as the "Laurence Olivier of spoofs" passed away after suffering complications from pneumonia.

News of Nielsen's death was reported on Canadian radio station CJOB Sunday.

Nielsen's nephew told CJOB that the actor had been in the hospital in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida for 12 days and that with family and friends by his side at 5:30pm Sunday "he just fell asleep and passed away."

Nielsen also was married to: Monica Boyer, 1950-1955; Sandy Ullman, 1958-74; and Brooks Oliver, 1981-85.

Nielsen and his second wife had two daughters, Thea and Maura.

Old School Video Of The Week - The View - Season 10 Rosie and Kathy Griffin

Aired Jan 19, 2007

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The End Of Civilization

video

Christian Cartoons

NOT SURE HOW FUNNY THIS IS.....WE JUST DONT WANT TO LEAVE ANYONE OUT....SO HERE'S SOME HUMOR FOR THE BIBLE THUMPERS.













Friday, November 26, 2010

Joke Of The Week



A wife was dying, with her husband by her side. She said in a tired voice, "There's some things I must confess."
He says, "Shhh There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
The wife says, "No I must die in peace. I fucked yo brother, yo best friend, his best friend and yo father."
The husband says, "I know, thats why I poisoned your ass, now close your eyes!"

Black Friday Humor

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving



1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. :)

Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Bad Boys of Comedy - Rob Stapleton

More Walmartians

Unknown



Florida



Washington



Indiana



California - This is one tall drink of water!



Oklahoma




Arizona - It’s unfortunate that the one strap that is actually working is the one keeping your hair in place.



Texas - Much like how you can determine a tree’s age by its rings, you can also judge the level of “party” in a person by the length of the mullet.



Arizona - So, this is either a cross-dressing nautical enthusiast OR…..well, fill in anything, It really doesn’t matter because none of it will make sense.


Unknown


Indiana


Minnesota


Texas


California - Oh! There are just so many colors and patterns and ink and booty. I’m dizzy, I want off this ride.



California


Texas
Texas

Arizona


Oklahoma


Hawaii - Is there any other way to ‘pick’ the best toy?