Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Did You Hear The One About The Nun?
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver that she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.
The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she cant have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.
The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver says, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kids."
The nun replied, "Thats ok, I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she cant have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.
The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver says, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kids."
The nun replied, "Thats ok, I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Chocolate Cake Fool
No cheating.
If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)? Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning. After taking this dessert personality test, send this link on to others.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you... SCROLL DOWN.
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.
6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy and always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.
If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)? Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning. After taking this dessert personality test, send this link on to others.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you... SCROLL DOWN.
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.
6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy and always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.
Monday, March 9, 2009
A Man In A Scotland Bar
Old Man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled if for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo...."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that woo with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Mc Greggor-the-Bar-builder? Noooo...."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see the pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Noooo...."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat...."
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled if for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo...."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that woo with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Mc Greggor-the-Bar-builder? Noooo...."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see the pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Noooo...."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat...."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Did You Get This Memo?
New Office Policy
Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non- employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation's and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non- employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation's and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Thursday, March 5, 2009
In The News
MACE, EXTENTIONS FLY IN A 7-ELEVEN
An all-out brawl at a Florida 7-Eleven ended with fake hair littering the ground. According to the "St. Petersburg Times," the six-person fight started when one group said "something slick" to the other group. After a pocketbook was thrown at one of the vehicles, both groups approached each other. Two people were maced, and one had 25 hair extensions yanked out. Cops say one woman also used a can of boiled peanuts as a weapon. All six people were cited for rioting and criminal mischief. Cops say one of the women signed her citation with a four-letter expletive.
NEW YORK SPA OFFERS PECULIAR FACIAL
A New York spa is offering a peculiar new skin treatment, the Geisha "Bird Poop" Facial. Master aesthetician Shizuka Bernstein says the treatment is the latest innovation in skin care. The most important ingredient in the popular facial treatment is powdered nightingale droppings. Bernstein says the fecal matter was the secret ingredient used by traditional Geishas to remove makeup. She says the droppings brighten, heal and retexturize the skin. Bernstein says the droppings are sanitized throught exposure to ultraviolet light which kills off the bacteria. The dried droppings are then milled into power and applied to the skin.
An all-out brawl at a Florida 7-Eleven ended with fake hair littering the ground. According to the "St. Petersburg Times," the six-person fight started when one group said "something slick" to the other group. After a pocketbook was thrown at one of the vehicles, both groups approached each other. Two people were maced, and one had 25 hair extensions yanked out. Cops say one woman also used a can of boiled peanuts as a weapon. All six people were cited for rioting and criminal mischief. Cops say one of the women signed her citation with a four-letter expletive.
NEW YORK SPA OFFERS PECULIAR FACIAL
A New York spa is offering a peculiar new skin treatment, the Geisha "Bird Poop" Facial. Master aesthetician Shizuka Bernstein says the treatment is the latest innovation in skin care. The most important ingredient in the popular facial treatment is powdered nightingale droppings. Bernstein says the fecal matter was the secret ingredient used by traditional Geishas to remove makeup. She says the droppings brighten, heal and retexturize the skin. Bernstein says the droppings are sanitized throught exposure to ultraviolet light which kills off the bacteria. The dried droppings are then milled into power and applied to the skin.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
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