Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Beer - the other white meat.



For those of you that are blind, it says

She told me we couldn't afford
beer anymore and that I would
have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65
for makeup.

I asked her how come I had to
give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup
to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

The Fruitcake Lady - LOL


video

DO THESE LIPS TAKE THESE HIPS......

TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED EXTREMITY???????

www.mediatakeout.com reported that last week Beyonce Knowles and Jay Z (aka Sean Carter) got married in a small private ceremony in Paris France.


Monday, December 17, 2007

Tis The Season




CHRISTMAS DIVORCE

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Saturday, December 15, 2007

NEVER DRINK FROM HOTEL GLASSES!!!

The First Winter Storm of 2007- Not So Funny

These pictures were taken by Michael A. on Thursday Dec 13th 2007. We want to thank him for risking his life to capture the first real storm of 2007. Now its Saturday December 15th and we're bracing for a nor'easter. The joys of living up north.














Friday, December 14, 2007

The Three Stages Of A Man's Life

SINGLE



MARRIED



DIVORCED



ANY QUESTIONS ?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Fall Classes for Men At The Adult Learning Center

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Monday, Oct 30, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED! TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Soldier And The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Monday, November 19, 2007

ONE LAWYER YOU HAVE TO LOVE

As most of you know, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless!! This is one lawyer you gotta love!!...... It's too good not to share!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply

(Actual letter)
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows
(Actual letter)
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.


I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Friday, November 16, 2007

THE BLONDE

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on theline so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to theMother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tellyou which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before thebeep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-termmemory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busyto talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, liedown and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Andy Rooney's take on Woman over 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!


Great......now that he's 80 he respects women over 40, but he probably only sleeps with woman under 30.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

French Condom Ad - LOL

Back in the day GE could have used this ad to promote a new line of extention cords





BEWARE - Not for the faint of heart

"After eating some dinner Holly steps on dog poo poo... she cant control her gag reflexes."



We didnt know what to call this video
She found a new diet and it's the sh*t
New techniques for bulimics
Home stomach pump kit, sh*t not included

Kid Cussing - Damn Shame LMAO

RUMOR!!! One of NY's Best Under Arrest

He's a funny comedian, so we hope this rumor isnt true.
If it is true....no more jokey jokey in the poky.



Friday, November 2, 2007

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Annoying (but very funny) mom Phrases


Bill Cosby Speaks

Author Unknown-

I had never seen the Reverend Jesse Louis Jackson cry in public. And he's seldom upstaged. Until, Bill Cosby came to town.

Last month Jackson invited Cosby to the annual Rainbow/PUSH conference for a conversation about controversial remarks the entertainer offered May 17 at an NAACP dinner in Washington, DC. That's when America's Jell-O Man shook things up by arguing that African Americans were betraying the legacy of civil rights victories. 'The lower economic people,' he said, 'are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for their kids. $500 sneakers for what? And won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics!'

Thursday morning, Cosby showed no signs of repenting as he strode across the stage at the Sheraton Hotel ballroom before a standing-room-only crowd. Sporting a natty gold sports coat and dark glasses, he proceeded to unload a laundry list of black America's self-imposed ills.

The iconic actor and comedian kidded that he couldn't compete with the oratory of the Reverend but he preached circles around Jackson in their nearly hour-long conversation, delivering brutally frank one-liners and the toughest of love.

The enemy, he argues, is us: 'There is a time, ladies and gentlemen, when we have to turn the mirror around.' Cosby acknowledged he wasn't critiquing all blacks-just 'the 50 percent of African Americans in the lower economic neighborhood who drop out of school,' and the alarming proportions of black men in prison and black teenage mothers. The mostly black crowd seconded him with choruses of 'Amen's.'

To critics who pose, it's unproductive to air our dirty laundry in public, he responds, 'Your dirty laundry gets out of school at 2:30 everyday. It's cursing on the way home, on the bus, train, in the candy store. They are cursing and grabbing each other and going nowhere.

And, the book bag is very, very thin because there's nothing in it. ''Don't worry about the white man,' he adds. 'I could care less about what white people think about me . . . let 'em talk. What are they saying that is different from what their grandfathers said and did to us? What is different is what we are doing to ourselves.'

For those who say Cosby is just an elitist who's 'got his' but doesn't understand the plight of the black poor, he reminds us that, 'We're going to turn that mirror around. It's not just the poor-everybody's guilty.'

Cosby and Jackson lamented that in the 50th year of Brown vs. Board of Education, our failings betray our legacy. Jackson dabbed away tears as he recalled the financial struggles at Fisk University, a historically black college and Jackson's Alma mater.

When Cosby was done, the 1,000 people in the room all jumped to their feet in ovation. Long after Cosby had departed, I could not find a dissenter in the crowd. But in the hotel corridor I encountered a vintage poster for sale that said volumes. The poster, which advertised the Million Man March, was 'discounted' to $5. Remember the Million Man March?

In 1995, Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan exhorted a million sober, disciplined, committed, dedicated, inspired black men to meet in Washington on a day of atonement.

In 2006, perhaps all that is left of that call is a $5 poster. We have shed tears too many times, at too many watershed moments before, while the hopes they inspired have fallen by the wayside.

Not this time!

Cosby's plea to parents: 'Before you get to the point where you say, 'I can't do nothing with them' - do something with them.'

Like: Teach our children to speak English. There's no such thing as 'talking white'. When the teacher calls, show up at the school. When the idiot box starts spewing profane rap videos, turn it off. Refrain from cursing around the kids. Teach our boys that women should be cherished, not raped and demeaned.

Tell them that education is a prize we won with blood and tears, not a dishonor.

Stop making excuses for the agents and abettors of black-on-black crime. It costs us nothing to do these things. But if we don't, it will cost us infinitely more tears.

We all send thousands of jokes through e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages regarding life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and sometimes the obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of decency is too often suppressed in school and the workplace.

I passed this on... will you?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

SHOCKING LYRICS


Everyone has heard that song "Superman Dat Ho" aka "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy (a teenager). It comes complete with an annoying multi-step dance that all the kids and many adults are doing.

So anyway, do you know what "Superman Dat Ho" means? I didn't, until I received a mass email from my boy. The answer is especially shocking considering it originated in the mouth of a teenage boy.

HERE'S THE EMAIL I RECEIVED

So here's the deal. Most dudes have been in the situation when you've been trying all night to sleep with a certain young lady. Y'all have been messing around for hours and you've tried everything from "I'll still respect you in the morning" to "Just let me put the head in" but she keeps shutting you down hard like a faulty car trunk. Well, according to our songwriter/rapper Soulja Boy, now's the time to give up and "Superman Dat Ho"!!! I'll try to keep this as clean as possible for those of you who read this at work. So basically, you let her fall asleep and you commence to "take things into your own hands", you know, make it a party for one! Hopefully you catch my drift by now. You then "release" on her back while she's sleeping. Next, you take the sheets and cover her up with your little soldiers still on her back. What happens next is actually the funny part! Throughout the night, your liquid love will dry and wind up sticking to the sheet on the lovely lady's back. When she awakens the next morning, she'll stand up with a sheet stuck to her back like a cape! My friend, you have just Supermanned dat ho!!! LOL LOL
It don't get any better than that. I will say that I've never done it but, I can't front, I kinda want to now LOL LOL!!! She has a cape!!! LMBAO! Are you kidding me?!?! Even funnier is that, I came across this little jewel of information cuz my boy B-Hop found out from his teenage cousin! The dude, Soulja Boy, who sings this song is 16!!! What the hell is going on with youth! In the words of Jay-Z, "I'm afraid for the future..."

Author Unknown

Cute

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on & doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Best Halloween Costume

Now thats cute. She's a crayon.