Friday, October 31, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008

Burying Her Goldfish


DOLEMITE IS DEAD: Legendary funnyman Rudy Ray Moore dies after extended illness. After an extended illness, seminal comedian and actor Rudy Ray Moore, better known as Dolemite, died Sunday in Toledo Ohio. He was 82.


Rudy Ray Moore Story

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

NBA Star Doug Christie Chokes - Wife Hits Female Doctor

Husband Choking: Wife Demands Male Doctor

SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie, wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save her husband's life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento. Christie frantically screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone, but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan to 'back off' even as Doug's face turned purple and his breath came out in short, labored gasps.

Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a male patron to save her husband's life. Luckily, Sanjay Mehta, a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room, was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy. The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let a female doctor save her husband.

'Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over like a poodle in heat,' said Christie. 'I could tell she was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn't let her near him. Sure, she's a doctor, but that's a great way to get her little tongue down my husband's throat. Believe me, I'm no fool. Plus, my husband would never want a female doctor saving his life. He'd feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands on him. He'd rather die. I'm sure of it. '

Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated, but did admit to 'getting physical with her.'

'I wouldn't say I beat her that hard. I just was trying to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband,' said Christie. 'Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying 'He's going to die! He's going to die!' And I was like 'Whatever, bitch. Keep your hands to yourself.''

After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1, but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was jus t trying to help.

'After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still choking,' she said. 'So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look at that guy in a sexual way. Gross.'

After Malcolm was turned away, it looked like the end for Doug Christie. The Kings forward lay in a heap on the floor, his face bulging and red, his fists clenched, and his throat clogged with a large chicken bone, while Jackie sat with her arms folded and waited.

'I don't know the Heimlich maneuver or anything like that, so I didn't want to try anything that would hurt my baby,' said Christie. 'I was getting a l ittle nervous, especially when his eyes started bulging out of his head, but I knew if I waited long enough, some guy would come along and save him. If not, Doug would have been killed. But it's Ok. I made him promise to come back and haunt me after he dies.'

Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted that if another moment had passed, Doug would've surely perished.

'I am extremely surprised that this man's wife did now allow Miss Jordan to save his life,' said Mehta. 'If another minute had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman would have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut.'

After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief. He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments before he was rescued.

'Whew, that was a close call,' said Christie, wiping the sweat off his brow. 'I actually saw scenes from my life flashing by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly. Huh. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one, huh? A male shrink, of course.'

After thanking Dr. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude to his wife.

'Although I am glad to be alive, I'm equally glad that my wife spared me the indignity of having another woman give me the Heimlich,' he continued. 'That would've been catastrophic. Even if I had lived, what kind of life what tha t have been, knowing that I looked at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of a normal life, actually. Anyway, that's the last time I ever eat chicken.'

In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place again.

'There's a lot of danger to eating in public,' said Doug. 'The outside world is fraught with peril. You never know, you could be sitting there eating, minding your business, and a chicken bone could get lodged in your throat causing you to need assistance from a female doctor or paramedic. Don't laugh. It happened to us, and it could happen to you.'

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Model Sues Doctor Rick Kips

Model sues plastic surgeon in Mexico for not making her nipples even after a breast implant.

The doctor said, 'They looked good to me!'

Friday, October 10, 2008

Can You Believe This *ish?

Not much shocks me anymore, but this email was particularly upsetting. Seriously hateful *ish!!!

"This person was in Florida for the weekend and as she was driving, a white man on a motorcycle had on a t-shirt that read “n***er please, it's a white house!”

This is so disturbing to me and should be to you. Please make sure you vote Nov. 4th and make a difference!!!"

Author and photographer unknown

Chris Rock on OJ

Chris Rock after OJ's recent guilty verdict.

"I see why they fought so hard to keep slavery going, some people just don't like freedom"

Friday, October 3, 2008

Worry About Your Own ASS

THE Pastor's Ass:

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.

The local paper read:


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so She sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:


The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is, being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery. Even shorten your life. So be yourself
and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and
live longer!

Biden Wins Debate

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hu's On First - Condoleeza and Bush LMAO

The 401 - Keg Plan

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

> With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

> With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

> If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

> If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

> But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

> This is called the 401-Keg Plan