Thursday, December 31, 2009

Where Does The Time Go???

Remember yesterday and dream about tomorrow...but you better live for today.

How quickly the years pass.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

President Obama and Secretary Chung Auto Tune Health Care

Its Magic

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.

After three mind shattering orgasms she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Magic Penis, my ass! The rest, as they say, is history........

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Gentle Holiday Reminder

For the festive season remember:

Alcohol does not make you fat...
it makes you lean.......

against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sunday, November 29, 2009


These are real notes written by parents in the Laredo & United I.S.D.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe (shits).

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick; fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


Are you unnoticed? Get a new scarf..
Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are picked?
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention..................

The White House Takes A Toll

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

How Do You Pronounce Her Name???

How would you pronounce this child's name?
She spells her name... "Le-a"

So... how would YOU pronounce her name?

Leah? .............. NO.
Lee - A? ........... NOPE.
Lay - a? .......... NOT A CHANCE.
Lei?................... NICE TRY...BUT... GUESS AGAIN!
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. She says it's pronounced... "Ledasha"
When the Mother was asked how in the world she figured it should be pronounced that way, she said, "Cause the dash don't be silent!"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Gynecologist Story

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.

He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis...which is why I came here in the first place.'

AFV - Finalist LMAO!!!!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009