Friday, February 27, 2009

The Religions

Taoism - Shit happens

Hinduism - This shit happened before

Confucianism - Confucius say: Shit happens

Buddhism - It is only the illusion of shit happening

Zen - What is the sound of shit happening

Islam - If shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Jehovah's Witnesses - Knock, Knock: "Shit happens"

Atheism - Ther is no such thing as shit

Agnosticism - Maybe shit happens, and maybe not

Protestantism - Shit wont happen if I work harder

Catholicism - If shit happens, I deserve it

Judaism - Why does shit always happen to me?

Televangelism - Send money or shit will happen to you

Rastafarian - Smoke that shit

Solve This Riddle

"Ralph had it once, Len had it before, Paul had it afterward, and Bryan never did have it. Girls have it once, but boys can't have it at all. Mrs. Mulligan had it twice in a row, and Dr. Lowell had it before and afterward, but he had it twice as bad afterwards as he had it before."

What is it?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Mastercard Wedding

This is a true story about a wedding that took place at Clemson University.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his appreciation he said, he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a maila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guest's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F**K YOU!" Then turned around to his bride and said, "F**K YOU!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled the first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through the charade, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge......making the bride's parents pay over $32,000.00 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Mastercard "Priceless" commercial outta this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion........$3,000

Deluxe two weeks honeymoon accommodations in Maui......$8,500

The look on everyone's face when they saw the 8 x 10 of the bride humping the best man....

PRICELESS!!!!

There are some things money can't buy.

For every thing else there's _____________ Mastercard!!!!!!

Bush Chillin'.......


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

New Age Funerals - You Wont Believe This

THIS IS AT A FUNERAL HOME IN ALABAMA !!!

Just when you thought you've seen everything .... and yes, this is a regular funeral home.



DEAD in his favorite chair (reclined), remote in hand...



Notice the new, silky, black & gold pjs, slippers and beer! And are those a pack of Newports in his ashtray???




AND the football game is ON!


So, you thought you'd seen it all, eh??!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ten Peeves That Dogs Have About Humans

1) Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all!!!
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2) Yelling at me for barking.I'M A DAMN DOG
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3) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
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4) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
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5) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
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6) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
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7) Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
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8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
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9) Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
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10) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.--------------------------------------------------

Now lay off me on some of these things.We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up YOUR poop do you? A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE;CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Lipstick In School

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators

Monday, February 16, 2009

Check Homework


After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

Career Development

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience... a little something that is indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint... it goes like this:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O- R-K 8+1+18+4+23+ 15+18+11 = 98%

and K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E 11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But , A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E 1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H- I-T 2+21+12+12+19+ 8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S- S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+ 19+19+9+14+ 7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

When It's Not Your Time



Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end, bounced off and across the culvert outlet and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling.

The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.

Just outside Flagstaff , AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.



Now look at the picture below...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Produce

David Copperfield - You Wont Believe This!!











How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

You have to try this! It takes 2 seconds.

It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you, while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make cirles (clockwise).

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!
Before the day is done you are going to try it again.......if you havent already.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Finally The Blonde Joke That Ends Them All

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, and then looked at the box. He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Lets have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.......," he sighed, "Lets put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Joke Of The Week

A little girl was out walking with her grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed because of the tender age of her granddaughter, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is helping him by carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean, Dear?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you in the ass every time."

Life In A Nursing Home

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr Goldstein," she said, "You shouldnt be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

Who Said This??

"It's not my role. Why Should I, when the guys to the right and left of me will crush them? And that's on top of the fact that I have a vagina. Though I do check between my legs to see if something else is sprouting down there"....If there's and organ sprouting down there, I bet it's not a brain....."