This has to be one of my favorite movie scene's of all time!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Celebrity Apprentice Charades Part 1
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/celebrity-apprentice-charades-part-1-11311/1269806/
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Today's Word
Today's word is................. "Fluctuations"
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Would You Re-Marry??
Would You Marry Again?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No........., she's left-handed."
WIFE: -------(silence)-------
HUSBAND: "Shit!!!!"
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No........., she's left-handed."
WIFE: -------(silence)-------
HUSBAND: "Shit!!!!"
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I Got This By Mistake
This couldn't be for me......I never get lost because people are always telling me where to go!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
ComedySecrets Inbox - My First Encounter With Sex LOL!!
Dear ComedySecrets,
This is my story about my first encounter with sex, although it was solo, it might brighten your day.
It so happens that I found myself at home alone one day when I was about 13 in the eighth grade, way back in the day. It was a school day and I think I was suspended for not reporting to detention. I was kinda hyper and got on the bus to go home, instead of going to detention, and only remembered when we were off school grounds. The driver wouldn't let me off the bus to go back and my principal wasn't hearing it, so I got three days uptown.
So there I was all by myself, laying face-down on the sofa watching TV, when I must have seen something on one of the soaps to arouse me. For some reason (don't ask me why) I began sort of dry humping the sofa cushion, and the more I humped the better it felt.
"Hmmm", I said to myself, "I've been hard before but it never felt this good." Anyway, I pulled down my pajama bottoms and underwear and started humping faster, but not in a frenzy at first, but within a minute I was reallyhumping and thinking, "Damn, this is good."
Before long I felt a rising sensation and I jumped up off the sofa headed for the bathroom thinking why now.
"I gotta pee, I gotta pee," I remember saying aloud.
Halfway up the stairs (luckily, there was no carpet) I got dizzy and a thick, pus came gushing out and I realized I didn't have to pee, but that I had just "nutted" or "came/cummed" according to what I remember the older teens (prolly 14 and 15) saying. "Wow, that felt good," I said as I got a wad of bathroom tissue to clean it up. I couldn't wait to do it again, but then disaster struck.
With me being young, dumb and (literally) full of cum, I didn't realize that by stopping before I forced ejaculation there was some left in there. With my age, I would have probably leaked some anyway afterward, even if I had gone all the way, but at any rate there was leakage.
Suddenly, I remembered the sex education portion of health class (it was the worst in the 1970s) and was hit with a paralyzing sense of dread. My teacher, Mr. O'Conner, told us that a sure sign of VD was leakage from the tip of the penis.
"Oh GOD, I got VD," I thought. I paced back and forth for a half-hour wondering what to do. I couldn't tell Ma and Tim (my Stepdad) or the doctor, because they would ask me to indentify the girl, and there wasn't a girl involved. "I got VD and I didn't even have sex, this is gonna be embarassing," I said to myself.
I was in peril for what seemed like an eternity (but it was only a couple of hours) until I came up with a solution. I looked unsuccessfully in the phone book for the number to the "free clinic" (the 411 operator corrected me and pushed the recording for the health department's phone number). I called and asked to speak to someone about VD, and did my very best imitation of Richard Pryor imitating a nerdy white guy.
"Hello, uhhh...yes...my son was whacking off on the sofa and I think he ended up with VD," I said. "That means if I bring him down there for shots and for you all to clean him out with that tool you use he won't be able to give you the name of the girl who gave it to him, because there aint no girl."
The nurse asked me what tool I was talking about. I told her it was the one doctors insert in the penis and then open it like an umbrella to clean out the VD. She asked me to explain about the pillows and the leakage, and sort of giggled when she told me that it was only natuaral after "whacking off" and that my son didn't have anything to worry about. She also said to tell him not to do it so often and he would be allright.
Man: talk about averting a disaster...but with that prognosis I was back in business. I must have reached expert whacking-off status in the next few months. Still pretty good at it, too.
This is my story about my first encounter with sex, although it was solo, it might brighten your day.
It so happens that I found myself at home alone one day when I was about 13 in the eighth grade, way back in the day. It was a school day and I think I was suspended for not reporting to detention. I was kinda hyper and got on the bus to go home, instead of going to detention, and only remembered when we were off school grounds. The driver wouldn't let me off the bus to go back and my principal wasn't hearing it, so I got three days uptown.
So there I was all by myself, laying face-down on the sofa watching TV, when I must have seen something on one of the soaps to arouse me. For some reason (don't ask me why) I began sort of dry humping the sofa cushion, and the more I humped the better it felt.
"Hmmm", I said to myself, "I've been hard before but it never felt this good." Anyway, I pulled down my pajama bottoms and underwear and started humping faster, but not in a frenzy at first, but within a minute I was reallyhumping and thinking, "Damn, this is good."
Before long I felt a rising sensation and I jumped up off the sofa headed for the bathroom thinking why now.
"I gotta pee, I gotta pee," I remember saying aloud.
Halfway up the stairs (luckily, there was no carpet) I got dizzy and a thick, pus came gushing out and I realized I didn't have to pee, but that I had just "nutted" or "came/cummed" according to what I remember the older teens (prolly 14 and 15) saying. "Wow, that felt good," I said as I got a wad of bathroom tissue to clean it up. I couldn't wait to do it again, but then disaster struck.
With me being young, dumb and (literally) full of cum, I didn't realize that by stopping before I forced ejaculation there was some left in there. With my age, I would have probably leaked some anyway afterward, even if I had gone all the way, but at any rate there was leakage.
Suddenly, I remembered the sex education portion of health class (it was the worst in the 1970s) and was hit with a paralyzing sense of dread. My teacher, Mr. O'Conner, told us that a sure sign of VD was leakage from the tip of the penis.
"Oh GOD, I got VD," I thought. I paced back and forth for a half-hour wondering what to do. I couldn't tell Ma and Tim (my Stepdad) or the doctor, because they would ask me to indentify the girl, and there wasn't a girl involved. "I got VD and I didn't even have sex, this is gonna be embarassing," I said to myself.
I was in peril for what seemed like an eternity (but it was only a couple of hours) until I came up with a solution. I looked unsuccessfully in the phone book for the number to the "free clinic" (the 411 operator corrected me and pushed the recording for the health department's phone number). I called and asked to speak to someone about VD, and did my very best imitation of Richard Pryor imitating a nerdy white guy.
"Hello, uhhh...yes...my son was whacking off on the sofa and I think he ended up with VD," I said. "That means if I bring him down there for shots and for you all to clean him out with that tool you use he won't be able to give you the name of the girl who gave it to him, because there aint no girl."
The nurse asked me what tool I was talking about. I told her it was the one doctors insert in the penis and then open it like an umbrella to clean out the VD. She asked me to explain about the pillows and the leakage, and sort of giggled when she told me that it was only natuaral after "whacking off" and that my son didn't have anything to worry about. She also said to tell him not to do it so often and he would be allright.
Man: talk about averting a disaster...but with that prognosis I was back in business. I must have reached expert whacking-off status in the next few months. Still pretty good at it, too.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The Best New Year’s Resolutions For 2011
1. Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump
2. Always “check for paper” when leaving the restroom
3. try to drive closer to the speed limit.
4. Always wear clean underwear, “just in case”.
5. Keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
6. No longer park the BMW next to fire hydrants.
7. Never again try to diffuse an explosive device with the help of a known practical joker
8. Avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water
9. Never again eat a Durian before going to a public function
10. Leave the details off of Facebook
Best Celebrity Resolution
Oprah Winfrey – “Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”
2. Always “check for paper” when leaving the restroom
3. try to drive closer to the speed limit.
4. Always wear clean underwear, “just in case”.
5. Keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
6. No longer park the BMW next to fire hydrants.
7. Never again try to diffuse an explosive device with the help of a known practical joker
8. Avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water
9. Never again eat a Durian before going to a public function
10. Leave the details off of Facebook
Best Celebrity Resolution
Oprah Winfrey – “Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”
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