Stedman Graham

Woe To A 10 Year Old

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bee's.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you wont tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups dont really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.

The Giraffe Test

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.


















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.





2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



























Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.



Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.






3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend .... Except one.
Which animal does not attend?
























Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

























Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Trump Rips Into Bill Cosby

It's all over a statement Bill made on "The Today Show," claiming the Donald should either "run or shut up" -- referring to Trump's ambiguous stance on running for President in 2012.

Trump -- who can't publicly declare his candidacy until "Celebrity Apprentice" is over -- returned fire today in a statement, claiming, "While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him ... he was always so nice."

Trumps adds, "If [Bill] doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not ... treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around."

Check out Trump's full statement after the jump.


The Donald's Statement

April 11, 2011

The other day on The Today Show, right after I was interviewed by Meredith Vieira, a terrific person and reporter, I happened to watch Bill Cosby who was on at the end of the show. While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him—the last time at the David Letterman show where I preceded him as a guest—he was always so nice, saying “let’s get together”—asking me out to dinner, and being polite to the point of offering to buy me a suit because he has a “great tailor.”

In any event, as I watched the show, the subject of Donald Trump came up. I was surprised to hear him blabber, somewhat incoherently “you run or shut up.” The hatred was pouring out of his eyes when he said this. As I am sure he must know I cannot run until this season of Celebrity Apprentice ends. I know that he has taken a lot of heat over the years in that he seems to be talking down to the people he’s talking to and purportedly trying to help. Actually, based on the way he acted, things are not looking too good for Cosby.

I wish he would be more honest, and if he doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not come into my “green room” in front of numerous witnesses and treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around. Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance—maybe he is not as dumb as I thought.


via www.tmz.com

Women Who Know Their Place

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul , and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

No matter what language you speak or where you go, Moral of this story is


BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.

Joke Of The Week

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

SHIT TANK PRINCESS - By John Moses

This is a story that involves my ex. Her father made a small fortune installing and cleaning septic systems, and spoiled his daughter with the money, so to protect her identity we’ll just call her the Shit Tank Princess. Now Shit Tank is a pretty girl but she has the soul of a character from a Reese Witherspoon movie, the soul of a shallow phony cunt.

One night after drinking at the local townie bar where Shit Tank left me sitting with her parents for 30 minutes while she went tramping around talking to old friends that consisted mainly of dudes (probably a few exes and a few dudes that she hadn’t got around to boning yet). We went back to her parent’s house. She was living there until her parents helped pay for her condo. I guess she felt a little more empowered while she was staying with her folks. After all she was in an environment where she was used to getting her way and probably felt protected on some sub conscious level by her father being in the same house.

We started to argue about my jealousy and her slutty behavior. I tried to table the conversation for a time when her parents weren’t in the next room.

“Listen I’m not going to have this conversation here, you’re drunk.”

She said, “I’m not drunk, you’re fucking mother is a drunk.” Which is true but beside the point.

“Watch you’re fuckin…” And before I could finish the word mouth. Shitty had smacked me across the face. Before I could even register what happened, before I could even utter the words, “What the fuck are you doing?” She smacked me again this time harder. I’m standing there a little drunk, ears ringing, rage burning up onside of me like a cracked nuclear reactor in Japan. I grab her arms to keep her from hitting me again. Now I’m of the mind that a man should never hit a woman, no matter how drunk he is, even if she’s a parking ticket cop, but back when I was drinking I was known to spit. So I spit in her face, not a loogie just a light spattering of saliva. To let her know, “Hey I didn’t appreciate that.” And I then pushed her back.

In retrospect that probably wasn’t the best way to try and get her to calm down, much the same way it is counter productive to tell somebody that is really angry to relax.

She let out a scream of horror and then ran at me with a fly kick. Not a “trained martial artist’s” fly kick, a “stupid drunk uncoordinated bitch’s” fly kick. That I sidestepped, sending her crashing through her closet doors.

Her father started pounding on the bedroom door, “Everything okay in there?”

I said, “Yeah Steve everything is cool.” But he’s not asking me, he’s asking his daughter, the Heir to the shit tank thrown. “Honey is everything okay.”

Now she’s still crumpled in a ball in the corner of the closet, if he comes in now it looks real bad. So I whisper to her, “Tell him it’s okay. Tell him it’s okay. Listen I like your dad and I won’t hit a woman but I will whip his old ass if I have too. Tell him everything is okay.”

“It’s okay dad I’m just drunk.”

The relationship dragged on another 7 months after that.

Picture Of The Week

Wil Sylvince: Just For Laughs Stand Up

Wil Sylvince: Just For Laughs Stand Up brought to you by Videobash

Cheap Homemade Radiation Detector

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan, I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap and effective homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.

Just follow these simple instructions!

OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACKER MICROWAVE POPCORN

JUST LEAVE IT ON YOUR TABLE. IF IT STARTS POPPING …

YOU'RE FUCKED!