Damn Thats Funny: February 2012

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

Thursday, February 23, 2012

SNL - Jay Z, Beyonce, and Blue Ivy

Eddie Murphy Says "No Bad Blood Anymore" With SNL

Pregnancy

Why is it when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant,

all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!"

.....but nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"

Effortless

I'm dating a homeless woman.

It was easier talking her into staying over.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Poor Bobby Brown

Did Bobby Brown have a F***ed up week or what?? If I was his sponsor, I'd be like (dramatic pause, then sigh) "Lets go get you some crack."

RIP Whitney

Bobby Leaves Funeral

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Ellen and Sofia Vergara Are CoverGirls!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Craigs List

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Sex and Famous Quotes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?

Me neither."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for

a date on Saturday night."

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter

what she's reading."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Woman need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"Accordingly to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."