Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Justin "John" Bieber
My name is Justin Bieber and it has been for 50 years, I am not some punk ass singer homosexual but because some little ass bandit has the same name as me I have to use my middle name. God Dammit I'm a human and I have rights too.
Little girls please stop adding me I am not that little punk ass bitch and stop trying cause he likes dick.
I am Justin Bieber, 50 year old carpenter from Ohio. I currently live in Maine. I like prostitutes, booze, and cigarettes. FUCK KIDS.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
11 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN IT WAS OKAY TO SAY THE "F" WORD
11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10 . "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
General Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein, 1938
7. "@#$% you, it does so look like her!"
Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want what on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered showers, my @#$% ass!"
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @$%# is going to find out?"
Monica Lewinsky, 1998
1. "I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
Osama Bin Laden, 2011
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Dentist
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have an abscessed tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a needle to give him a numbing shot.
"No way! Please - needles! I can't stand needles", the man says.
"Ok", answers the Dentist "I understand, some people have that problem".
The Dentist begins to hook up the laughing gas and the man noticing what
the Dentist is doing, quickly objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on
gives me a feeling of suffocation"!
The Dentist then asks the gentleman, "Well, do you have any objection
to taking a pill?"
The man thought for a moment and answered "No objection, I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then excused himself as he went to his supply room.
He returned and offered a pill and a glass of water and tells the man,
"Here, take this. It's a Viagra tablet".
The man was surprised and, nearly at a loss for words, uttered in amazement, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer too!"
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth".
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Senior Love
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Company Christmas Party
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2011
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2011
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2011
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2011
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2011
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 6, 2011
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Thursday, January 5, 2012
iPhone
It all began with an iPhone.....
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook, and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!!!
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughters birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started......
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook, and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!!!
PS: iHurt!!!!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
LIFE'S TOP TEN REALITIES
NUMBER 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
NUMBER 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
As someone recently said to me . . .
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".
Monday, January 2, 2012
Quote Of The Week
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed." - author unkown
Sunday, January 1, 2012
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