Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don't always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach's verses and Ricardo Cortés' illustrations perfectly capture the familiar--and unspoken--tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse:
The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.
via www.theonion.com
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Spike Lee is constantly in the news voicing his hatred for Hollywood stars, including Tyler Perry, describing his (Perry's) movies and shows as "coonery" and "buffoonery."
During a recent press conference, Perry responded. He said: "I'm so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee. Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, 'This is a coon; this is a buffoon.'"
Perry continued: "I am sick of him -- he talked about Whoopi, he talked about Oprah, he talked about me, he talked about Clint Eastwood. Spike needs to shut the hell up!"
He went on to say that he doesn't understand why so much criticism of his work comes from other black people. "I've never seen Jewish people complaining about 'Mrs. Doubtfire' or Dustin Hoffman in 'Tootsie,'" he explained. "It's always black people. We don't have to worry about anybody else trying to destroy us because we do it to ourselves."
Source: Box Office Magazine
Read more: http://www.worstpreviews.com/
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" , she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bee's.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you wont tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups dont really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend .... Except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
It's all over a statement Bill made on "The Today Show," claiming the Donald should either "run or shut up" -- referring to Trump's ambiguous stance on running for President in 2012.
Trump -- who can't publicly declare his candidacy until "Celebrity Apprentice" is over -- returned fire today in a statement, claiming, "While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him ... he was always so nice."
Trumps adds, "If [Bill] doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not ... treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around."
Check out Trump's full statement after the jump.
The Donald's Statement
April 11, 2011
The other day on The Today Show, right after I was interviewed by Meredith Vieira, a terrific person and reporter, I happened to watch Bill Cosby who was on at the end of the show. While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him—the last time at the David Letterman show where I preceded him as a guest—he was always so nice, saying “let’s get together”—asking me out to dinner, and being polite to the point of offering to buy me a suit because he has a “great tailor.”
In any event, as I watched the show, the subject of Donald Trump came up. I was surprised to hear him blabber, somewhat incoherently “you run or shut up.” The hatred was pouring out of his eyes when he said this. As I am sure he must know I cannot run until this season of Celebrity Apprentice ends. I know that he has taken a lot of heat over the years in that he seems to be talking down to the people he’s talking to and purportedly trying to help. Actually, based on the way he acted, things are not looking too good for Cosby.
I wish he would be more honest, and if he doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not come into my “green room” in front of numerous witnesses and treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around. Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance—maybe he is not as dumb as I thought.
via www.tmz.com
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul , and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
No matter what language you speak or where you go, Moral of this story is
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.
This is a story that involves my ex. Her father made a small fortune installing and cleaning septic systems, and spoiled his daughter with the money, so to protect her identity we’ll just call her the Shit Tank Princess. Now Shit Tank is a pretty girl but she has the soul of a character from a Reese Witherspoon movie, the soul of a shallow phony cunt.
One night after drinking at the local townie bar where Shit Tank left me sitting with her parents for 30 minutes while she went tramping around talking to old friends that consisted mainly of dudes (probably a few exes and a few dudes that she hadn’t got around to boning yet). We went back to her parent’s house. She was living there until her parents helped pay for her condo. I guess she felt a little more empowered while she was staying with her folks. After all she was in an environment where she was used to getting her way and probably felt protected on some sub conscious level by her father being in the same house.
We started to argue about my jealousy and her slutty behavior. I tried to table the conversation for a time when her parents weren’t in the next room.
“Listen I’m not going to have this conversation here, you’re drunk.”
She said, “I’m not drunk, you’re fucking mother is a drunk.” Which is true but beside the point.
“Watch you’re fuckin…” And before I could finish the word mouth. Shitty had smacked me across the face. Before I could even register what happened, before I could even utter the words, “What the fuck are you doing?” She smacked me again this time harder. I’m standing there a little drunk, ears ringing, rage burning up onside of me like a cracked nuclear reactor in Japan. I grab her arms to keep her from hitting me again. Now I’m of the mind that a man should never hit a woman, no matter how drunk he is, even if she’s a parking ticket cop, but back when I was drinking I was known to spit. So I spit in her face, not a loogie just a light spattering of saliva. To let her know, “Hey I didn’t appreciate that.” And I then pushed her back.
In retrospect that probably wasn’t the best way to try and get her to calm down, much the same way it is counter productive to tell somebody that is really angry to relax.
She let out a scream of horror and then ran at me with a fly kick. Not a “trained martial artist’s” fly kick, a “stupid drunk uncoordinated bitch’s” fly kick. That I sidestepped, sending her crashing through her closet doors.
Her father started pounding on the bedroom door, “Everything okay in there?”
I said, “Yeah Steve everything is cool.” But he’s not asking me, he’s asking his daughter, the Heir to the shit tank thrown. “Honey is everything okay.”
Now she’s still crumpled in a ball in the corner of the closet, if he comes in now it looks real bad. So I whisper to her, “Tell him it’s okay. Tell him it’s okay. Listen I like your dad and I won’t hit a woman but I will whip his old ass if I have too. Tell him everything is okay.”
“It’s okay dad I’m just drunk.”
The relationship dragged on another 7 months after that.
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan, I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap and effective homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Just follow these simple instructions!
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACKER MICROWAVE POPCORN
JUST LEAVE IT ON YOUR TABLE. IF IT STARTS POPPING …
YOU'RE FUCKED!
