Ode To UMASS

Joke Of The Week

An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.The doctor says, "Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Gary replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary's wife. "Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"

"OH MY GOD!" Marianne exclaims. "He's peeing in the refridgerator again!!!!"

Black History Firsts You Absolutely Did Not Know

Dedrick “Slick” Lawrence - First person to wear a fur coat outside when it wasn't even cold.

Charles “Sweet Mac” Farnsley - First to call someone else a jive turkey.

TORNETTE PITTS: First to warp the time-space continuum by slapping somebody into next week.

Sequoia Brimley - First person to go straight to church on Sunday after leaving the club earlier that morning.

LOUISE PERKINS: First person to attempt to climb into a casket at a funeral.

Rodney “Hot Rod” McKenzie - First to tell someone that they play too much.

THADDEUS COLLINS: First person to wear a shower cap outside.

CEEPHUS MCCOY: First to ask for change back from a church collection plate.

George Watley - First person to sneak an entire dinner into a movie theatre.

Amelia Wooten - First to start a soul train line at a family reunion.

Mamie Woolridge - First to comment that the dead at a funeral looked “like he (was) layin’ there sleep.”

Carmen Bluitt - First to tell someone to pick his face up.

Edna B. Cash - First to refer to soap operas as “the stories.”

MAVIS BLACKWELL: First to use the phrase “the illustrious” to describe her pastor (i.e. - “I am a member of 1st Corinthian Leather Baptist Church where the illustrious P.J. Jones is the Pastor”).

Drew Graves - First to sell bootleg music and movies in barber shops and outside grocery stores.

TROY BOOKER: First to refer to a flavor of Kool-Aid as “red.”

Darneisha Andrews - First person to act brand new.

VIRGIL T. BANKS: First person to use the phrase “see, what had happened was…”

Johnston Green - First to refer to someone as “high yellow.”

Sandra Robinson - First person to keep her good jewelry in a Crown Royal bag.

Jamaica Masby - First to throw her hands in the air and wave them around as if she truly didn’t care.

Bennett “June Bug” McDaniels - Coined the phrase “My name is Bennett, and I ain’t in it.”

ADRIAN BARBER: First person to hang over 10 Little Tree car fresheners on the rear view mirror of his car.

Jefferson Clarks - Normalized the practice of shaking up a handful of sunflower seeds before eating them.

UMAR X (birth name: Tyrone Griswold): First black male militant to marry a white woman.

Roland Jones - Perfected the “make four cuts on the side to keep the middle from bubbling up” method of frying bologna.

Samuel “Sam Sam” Little - First person to eat a piece of food dropped on the ground after holding it up in the air and saying “God kiss it; devil miss it.”

Jonathan “Lil’ Johnny” Porter - First person to tell a woman he’d drink her bathwater.

EUGENE J.C. MILLSTON: First person to talk to the screen during a movie (a silent film entitled “Crafty Bawdy Ladies of the Night from the Outer Regions of Earth”).

Keisha Brentworth - First person to inform someone that sh*t don’t go up; prices do.

SHARON BYCK: First person to marry someone she met via Blackplanet.com.

Marquita Parker - First person to burn her child’s ears with a hotcomb while styling her hair.

TAWANDA DAVIS: First person to use hair gel to create baby hair all over her head.

Will Richards - First man to put something on his mama (i.e. - “TOUCH ME AGAIN AND WE GON’ FIGHT, MAN, I PUT THAT ON MY MAMA!”).

REV. W.J. SHANKLIN: Inventor of the church building fund

Neeka “Nee Nee” Hollsworth - First person to walk around like her booty don’t stink.

Joseph Foster - First to inform people that you can’t eat just anybody’s potato salad.

Etta Lee Green - First person to call somebody else “worsome.”

Rufus Wellsley - First man to shoot someone over a game of spades

VERNON MCDANIELS: First person to eat a Miracle Whip sandwich.

Shameka King - First person to use the phrase “than a mug” to describe something (i.e. - “It is colder than a mug out here!”).

Tyrone Clayburn - First person to refer to someone as a “play cousin.”

Raynard Mack - First person to put a utility bill in a child’s name.

JOHNNIE MAE WILKINS: First person to proclaim herself “too blessed to be stressed.”

Georgia Buston - First person to attempt to heal a broken limb with Robitussin and a Band-Aid.

WILLIE LAMBERT: First man to slap the taste out of somebody’s mouth.

Jerrica St. John - First woman to run off the stage hysterically after finding that the man she was “2,000% sure” was the father of her child actually wasn’t.

Trisha Jones -First person to have “been had” something (i.e. - “You just now getting that new Kenny Lattimore CD? Man, I been had that”).

Jason Hill - First person to purchase $2 worth of gas at a gas station.

Deon Travis: First man to dance on stage after being declared “not the father” on the Maury show.

LEONARD HILL, JR.: First person to get a “rest in peace” tattoo (in honor of his wife, which read ‘R.I.P BESSIE, 1884-1913/SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS’).

DELORES “BIG MAMA” COLE: First person to refer to diabetes as “the sugar.”

Tiana Humphries - First woman to walk into a salon and request that her hair be “fried, dyed, and laid to the side.”

AMBROSE WILLOBY: First person to tell someone that they “don’t know nothin’ bout this HEAH!”

Tenitra Hollbrook - First person to thank a player hater for hating.

RITA RODRICKS: First person to use the phrase “I will cut you” in an argument.

Tamika Bunsen -First to begin a sentence with the phrase “me myself personally…”

SAMUEL HINKLEY, JR.: First person to take a picture in front of an airbrushed backdrop featuring symbols of wealth (i.e. - cars, champagne, stacks of money, etc.).

RUTHIE MCCAULEY: First person to inform somebody that she “don’t have to do sh** but stay black and die.”

VONIQUE BATES: First person to successfully slap the black off of someone’s a**.

THALMA MARTIN: Cultivator of the “ni**a please” expression.

MAYBELL BROWN: First person to cover a piece of furniture in plastic for everyday use.

Good day, bad day depends how you look at it!

I sat at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6’ 8” tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s butt, not watch a grown man crying."

“This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

10 Thoughts To Ponder

Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And Number 1. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and, as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

Giving Up Wine LMAO!!!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

ComedySecrets Inbox - My Last Trip To COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Having Mom Over for Dinner LOL

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:


Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Ellens Hidden Camera Prank With Jennifer Lopez

Jimmy Fallon Jokes With Tiger Woods About His Sex Scandal

The Daily Show CRIBS: Teacher Edition

The Situation Bombs His Ass Off - Donald Trump Roast

Anthony Jeselnik made me laugh out loud. Larry King, Jeffrey Ross, Marlee Matlin, Donald Trump and Snoop were also good. I missed Lisa and Whitney Cummings.....so I'm not sure how they did. The Situation bombed viciously!!! And Seth MacFarlane was an excellent Roast Master.

Cancel Your Credit Card Before You Die

Can you believe this?

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and,so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank : 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help....'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?

Wisdom Teeth - LMAO!!!

NJ Governor Christie Hot And Sexy???? Really???

SNL - DUH! Winning With Charlie Sheen

This skit was just okay for me. I thought the Charlie Sheen and John Galliano impersonations were good. I didn't care for the Christina Aguilera character. She can sing, but the rest of it fell flat for me.

NeNe Dishes On The Star Feud

1st Annual Crackhead Throwing Contest

Picture Of The Week - LOL

Thank you to Mediatakeout for this photo.

Top 5 Favorite Def Jam Appearances

Bernie Mac (RIP) - When you hear the back-story on this clip...you will likely agree that this may be one of the greatest sets in the history of comedy.
The Def Jam audiences are notoriously tough.......reminiscent of the Appollo audience. Anyway, during Bernie's taping several comedians bombed viciously. The audience was booing everybody. That's why Bernie came out saying "I'm not scared of you mutha fuckas." And as you can see he KILLED!!



Eddie Griffin



Bill Bellamy



Dave Chappelle



Martin Lawrence - Best Def Jam Host EVA!!!

Old School Video Of The Week - Redd Foxx LOLOL