Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Comedian Patrice O'Neal Dies At 41
O'Neal's manager Matt Frost released this statement today:
It is with terrible sadness we must report that Patrice O’Neal has passed away this morning at 7:00am due to the complications of the stroke he suffered on October 19. Many of us have lost a close and loved friend; all of us have lost a true comic genius. His mother, who was also his best friend, was at his side. Patrice is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo; his step daughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder, and his mother Georgia. The family wishes to thank all of the fans and friends who have expressed an outpouring of love and support for Patrice these past weeks. We ask that you please respect the family’s request for privacy at this difficult time.
Below enjoy Patrice on the Roast of Charlie Sheen
It is with terrible sadness we must report that Patrice O’Neal has passed away this morning at 7:00am due to the complications of the stroke he suffered on October 19. Many of us have lost a close and loved friend; all of us have lost a true comic genius. His mother, who was also his best friend, was at his side. Patrice is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo; his step daughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder, and his mother Georgia. The family wishes to thank all of the fans and friends who have expressed an outpouring of love and support for Patrice these past weeks. We ask that you please respect the family’s request for privacy at this difficult time.
Below enjoy Patrice on the Roast of Charlie Sheen
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Friday, October 28, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Text Of The Week
A man gets this text (above) from his friend. Then he waits for his wife to get home and beats the shit out of her. The next day his friend sends another text that says, "Hey man, I may have used too much zoom. Here is the full picture (below)."
Friday, October 21, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Peta's Peeved About NY Times Sexy Chicken
Read more
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Joke Of The Week
Last week was a rough week, earth quake and hurricanes, but I made it so far. How about you?
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
How Was I Born??
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this ....
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...You'll love this ....
You got MALE!!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
OMG!! Dave Chappelle Bombed Last Night ;(
Make no mistake.....Dave is still one of my favorite comedians and one of the funniest cats in the game!!!!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Legal Right To Masturbate At Work
Ana Catarina Bezerra Silvares is a divorced mother of three who works for an accounting firm in Villa Velha, Brazil,
She recently went to court and won the legal right to use the company computers to view erotic images and masturbate at work for 15 minutes every two hours.
Silvares claims to suffer from a rare brain chemical condition called "orgasmic compulsion" that causes deep anguish unless she relieves herself by masturbating several times a day.
Ana says she was doing it 47 times a day until she began to suspect that wasn't normal and sought medical help.
She's now on a medical cocktail of sedatives and now has to masturbate only 18 times a day to satisfy herself -- and her workplace must accommodate her disability.
If they don't allow her to do it , that would be considered retaliation and they could be sued for millions
She recently went to court and won the legal right to use the company computers to view erotic images and masturbate at work for 15 minutes every two hours.
Silvares claims to suffer from a rare brain chemical condition called "orgasmic compulsion" that causes deep anguish unless she relieves herself by masturbating several times a day.
Ana says she was doing it 47 times a day until she began to suspect that wasn't normal and sought medical help.
She's now on a medical cocktail of sedatives and now has to masturbate only 18 times a day to satisfy herself -- and her workplace must accommodate her disability.
If they don't allow her to do it , that would be considered retaliation and they could be sued for millions
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Definition Of Profanity
Q: Whats The Definition of profanity?
A: A linguistic crutch for inarticulate "motherfuckers".
A: A linguistic crutch for inarticulate "motherfuckers".
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner - President Obama Takes On Trump, Birthers, and The Media
Barack is BRILLIANT..charismatic and hilarious!! Love him!!!!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Go the Fuck to Sleep: a storybook for exhausted parents
Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don't always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach's verses and Ricardo Cortés' illustrations perfectly capture the familiar--and unspoken--tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse:
The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Little Johnny - LMAO!!!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Joke Of The Week - Refrigerator LOL!!!
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Tyler Perry Tells Spike Lee To Go To Hell!!!!
Spike Lee is constantly in the news voicing his hatred for Hollywood stars, including Tyler Perry, describing his (Perry's) movies and shows as "coonery" and "buffoonery."
During a recent press conference, Perry responded. He said: "I'm so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee. Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, 'This is a coon; this is a buffoon.'"
Perry continued: "I am sick of him -- he talked about Whoopi, he talked about Oprah, he talked about me, he talked about Clint Eastwood. Spike needs to shut the hell up!"
He went on to say that he doesn't understand why so much criticism of his work comes from other black people. "I've never seen Jewish people complaining about 'Mrs. Doubtfire' or Dustin Hoffman in 'Tootsie,'" he explained. "It's always black people. We don't have to worry about anybody else trying to destroy us because we do it to ourselves."
Source: Box Office Magazine
Read more: http://www.worstpreviews.com/
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Joke Of The Week - The Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" , she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Woe To A 10 Year Old
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bee's.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you wont tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups dont really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend .... Except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Trump Rips Into Bill Cosby
It's all over a statement Bill made on "The Today Show," claiming the Donald should either "run or shut up" -- referring to Trump's ambiguous stance on running for President in 2012.
Trump -- who can't publicly declare his candidacy until "Celebrity Apprentice" is over -- returned fire today in a statement, claiming, "While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him ... he was always so nice."
Trumps adds, "If [Bill] doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not ... treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around."
Check out Trump's full statement after the jump.
The Donald's Statement
April 11, 2011
The other day on The Today Show, right after I was interviewed by Meredith Vieira, a terrific person and reporter, I happened to watch Bill Cosby who was on at the end of the show. While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him—the last time at the David Letterman show where I preceded him as a guest—he was always so nice, saying “let’s get together”—asking me out to dinner, and being polite to the point of offering to buy me a suit because he has a “great tailor.”
In any event, as I watched the show, the subject of Donald Trump came up. I was surprised to hear him blabber, somewhat incoherently “you run or shut up.” The hatred was pouring out of his eyes when he said this. As I am sure he must know I cannot run until this season of Celebrity Apprentice ends. I know that he has taken a lot of heat over the years in that he seems to be talking down to the people he’s talking to and purportedly trying to help. Actually, based on the way he acted, things are not looking too good for Cosby.
I wish he would be more honest, and if he doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not come into my “green room” in front of numerous witnesses and treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around. Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance—maybe he is not as dumb as I thought.
via www.tmz.com
Women Who Know Their Place
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul , and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
No matter what language you speak or where you go, Moral of this story is
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Joke Of The Week
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.
Friday, April 8, 2011
SHIT TANK PRINCESS - By John Moses
This is a story that involves my ex. Her father made a small fortune installing and cleaning septic systems, and spoiled his daughter with the money, so to protect her identity we’ll just call her the Shit Tank Princess. Now Shit Tank is a pretty girl but she has the soul of a character from a Reese Witherspoon movie, the soul of a shallow phony cunt.
One night after drinking at the local townie bar where Shit Tank left me sitting with her parents for 30 minutes while she went tramping around talking to old friends that consisted mainly of dudes (probably a few exes and a few dudes that she hadn’t got around to boning yet). We went back to her parent’s house. She was living there until her parents helped pay for her condo. I guess she felt a little more empowered while she was staying with her folks. After all she was in an environment where she was used to getting her way and probably felt protected on some sub conscious level by her father being in the same house.
We started to argue about my jealousy and her slutty behavior. I tried to table the conversation for a time when her parents weren’t in the next room.
“Listen I’m not going to have this conversation here, you’re drunk.”
She said, “I’m not drunk, you’re fucking mother is a drunk.” Which is true but beside the point.
“Watch you’re fuckin…” And before I could finish the word mouth. Shitty had smacked me across the face. Before I could even register what happened, before I could even utter the words, “What the fuck are you doing?” She smacked me again this time harder. I’m standing there a little drunk, ears ringing, rage burning up onside of me like a cracked nuclear reactor in Japan. I grab her arms to keep her from hitting me again. Now I’m of the mind that a man should never hit a woman, no matter how drunk he is, even if she’s a parking ticket cop, but back when I was drinking I was known to spit. So I spit in her face, not a loogie just a light spattering of saliva. To let her know, “Hey I didn’t appreciate that.” And I then pushed her back.
In retrospect that probably wasn’t the best way to try and get her to calm down, much the same way it is counter productive to tell somebody that is really angry to relax.
She let out a scream of horror and then ran at me with a fly kick. Not a “trained martial artist’s” fly kick, a “stupid drunk uncoordinated bitch’s” fly kick. That I sidestepped, sending her crashing through her closet doors.
Her father started pounding on the bedroom door, “Everything okay in there?”
I said, “Yeah Steve everything is cool.” But he’s not asking me, he’s asking his daughter, the Heir to the shit tank thrown. “Honey is everything okay.”
Now she’s still crumpled in a ball in the corner of the closet, if he comes in now it looks real bad. So I whisper to her, “Tell him it’s okay. Tell him it’s okay. Listen I like your dad and I won’t hit a woman but I will whip his old ass if I have too. Tell him everything is okay.”
“It’s okay dad I’m just drunk.”
The relationship dragged on another 7 months after that.
One night after drinking at the local townie bar where Shit Tank left me sitting with her parents for 30 minutes while she went tramping around talking to old friends that consisted mainly of dudes (probably a few exes and a few dudes that she hadn’t got around to boning yet). We went back to her parent’s house. She was living there until her parents helped pay for her condo. I guess she felt a little more empowered while she was staying with her folks. After all she was in an environment where she was used to getting her way and probably felt protected on some sub conscious level by her father being in the same house.
We started to argue about my jealousy and her slutty behavior. I tried to table the conversation for a time when her parents weren’t in the next room.
“Listen I’m not going to have this conversation here, you’re drunk.”
She said, “I’m not drunk, you’re fucking mother is a drunk.” Which is true but beside the point.
“Watch you’re fuckin…” And before I could finish the word mouth. Shitty had smacked me across the face. Before I could even register what happened, before I could even utter the words, “What the fuck are you doing?” She smacked me again this time harder. I’m standing there a little drunk, ears ringing, rage burning up onside of me like a cracked nuclear reactor in Japan. I grab her arms to keep her from hitting me again. Now I’m of the mind that a man should never hit a woman, no matter how drunk he is, even if she’s a parking ticket cop, but back when I was drinking I was known to spit. So I spit in her face, not a loogie just a light spattering of saliva. To let her know, “Hey I didn’t appreciate that.” And I then pushed her back.
In retrospect that probably wasn’t the best way to try and get her to calm down, much the same way it is counter productive to tell somebody that is really angry to relax.
She let out a scream of horror and then ran at me with a fly kick. Not a “trained martial artist’s” fly kick, a “stupid drunk uncoordinated bitch’s” fly kick. That I sidestepped, sending her crashing through her closet doors.
Her father started pounding on the bedroom door, “Everything okay in there?”
I said, “Yeah Steve everything is cool.” But he’s not asking me, he’s asking his daughter, the Heir to the shit tank thrown. “Honey is everything okay.”
Now she’s still crumpled in a ball in the corner of the closet, if he comes in now it looks real bad. So I whisper to her, “Tell him it’s okay. Tell him it’s okay. Listen I like your dad and I won’t hit a woman but I will whip his old ass if I have too. Tell him everything is okay.”
“It’s okay dad I’m just drunk.”
The relationship dragged on another 7 months after that.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Cheap Homemade Radiation Detector
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan, I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap and effective homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Just follow these simple instructions!
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACKER MICROWAVE POPCORN
JUST LEAVE IT ON YOUR TABLE. IF IT STARTS POPPING …
YOU'RE FUCKED!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Joke Of The Week
An 86-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his test results come back normal.The doctor says, "Gary everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Gary replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof* the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Gary's wife. "Marianne, he says, Gary is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof * the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof* the light goes off?"
"OH MY GOD!" Marianne exclaims. "He's peeing in the refridgerator again!!!!"
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Black History Firsts You Absolutely Did Not Know
Dedrick “Slick” Lawrence - First person to wear a fur coat outside when it wasn't even cold.
Charles “Sweet Mac” Farnsley - First to call someone else a jive turkey.
TORNETTE PITTS: First to warp the time-space continuum by slapping somebody into next week.
Sequoia Brimley - First person to go straight to church on Sunday after leaving the club earlier that morning.
LOUISE PERKINS: First person to attempt to climb into a casket at a funeral.
Rodney “Hot Rod” McKenzie - First to tell someone that they play too much.
THADDEUS COLLINS: First person to wear a shower cap outside.
CEEPHUS MCCOY: First to ask for change back from a church collection plate.
George Watley - First person to sneak an entire dinner into a movie theatre.
Amelia Wooten - First to start a soul train line at a family reunion.
Mamie Woolridge - First to comment that the dead at a funeral looked “like he (was) layin’ there sleep.”
Carmen Bluitt - First to tell someone to pick his face up.
Edna B. Cash - First to refer to soap operas as “the stories.”
MAVIS BLACKWELL: First to use the phrase “the illustrious” to describe her pastor (i.e. - “I am a member of 1st Corinthian Leather Baptist Church where the illustrious P.J. Jones is the Pastor”).
Drew Graves - First to sell bootleg music and movies in barber shops and outside grocery stores.
TROY BOOKER: First to refer to a flavor of Kool-Aid as “red.”
Darneisha Andrews - First person to act brand new.
VIRGIL T. BANKS: First person to use the phrase “see, what had happened was…”
Johnston Green - First to refer to someone as “high yellow.”
Sandra Robinson - First person to keep her good jewelry in a Crown Royal bag.
Jamaica Masby - First to throw her hands in the air and wave them around as if she truly didn’t care.
Bennett “June Bug” McDaniels - Coined the phrase “My name is Bennett, and I ain’t in it.”
ADRIAN BARBER: First person to hang over 10 Little Tree car fresheners on the rear view mirror of his car.
Jefferson Clarks - Normalized the practice of shaking up a handful of sunflower seeds before eating them.
UMAR X (birth name: Tyrone Griswold): First black male militant to marry a white woman.
Roland Jones - Perfected the “make four cuts on the side to keep the middle from bubbling up” method of frying bologna.
Samuel “Sam Sam” Little - First person to eat a piece of food dropped on the ground after holding it up in the air and saying “God kiss it; devil miss it.”
Jonathan “Lil’ Johnny” Porter - First person to tell a woman he’d drink her bathwater.
EUGENE J.C. MILLSTON: First person to talk to the screen during a movie (a silent film entitled “Crafty Bawdy Ladies of the Night from the Outer Regions of Earth”).
Keisha Brentworth - First person to inform someone that sh*t don’t go up; prices do.
SHARON BYCK: First person to marry someone she met via Blackplanet.com.
Marquita Parker - First person to burn her child’s ears with a hotcomb while styling her hair.
TAWANDA DAVIS: First person to use hair gel to create baby hair all over her head.
Will Richards - First man to put something on his mama (i.e. - “TOUCH ME AGAIN AND WE GON’ FIGHT, MAN, I PUT THAT ON MY MAMA!”).
REV. W.J. SHANKLIN: Inventor of the church building fund
Neeka “Nee Nee” Hollsworth - First person to walk around like her booty don’t stink.
Joseph Foster - First to inform people that you can’t eat just anybody’s potato salad.
Etta Lee Green - First person to call somebody else “worsome.”
Rufus Wellsley - First man to shoot someone over a game of spades
VERNON MCDANIELS: First person to eat a Miracle Whip sandwich.
Shameka King - First person to use the phrase “than a mug” to describe something (i.e. - “It is colder than a mug out here!”).
Tyrone Clayburn - First person to refer to someone as a “play cousin.”
Raynard Mack - First person to put a utility bill in a child’s name.
JOHNNIE MAE WILKINS: First person to proclaim herself “too blessed to be stressed.”
Georgia Buston - First person to attempt to heal a broken limb with Robitussin and a Band-Aid.
WILLIE LAMBERT: First man to slap the taste out of somebody’s mouth.
Jerrica St. John - First woman to run off the stage hysterically after finding that the man she was “2,000% sure” was the father of her child actually wasn’t.
Trisha Jones -First person to have “been had” something (i.e. - “You just now getting that new Kenny Lattimore CD? Man, I been had that”).
Jason Hill - First person to purchase $2 worth of gas at a gas station.
Deon Travis: First man to dance on stage after being declared “not the father” on the Maury show.
LEONARD HILL, JR.: First person to get a “rest in peace” tattoo (in honor of his wife, which read ‘R.I.P BESSIE, 1884-1913/SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS’).
DELORES “BIG MAMA” COLE: First person to refer to diabetes as “the sugar.”
Tiana Humphries - First woman to walk into a salon and request that her hair be “fried, dyed, and laid to the side.”
AMBROSE WILLOBY: First person to tell someone that they “don’t know nothin’ bout this HEAH!”
Tenitra Hollbrook - First person to thank a player hater for hating.
RITA RODRICKS: First person to use the phrase “I will cut you” in an argument.
Tamika Bunsen -First to begin a sentence with the phrase “me myself personally…”
SAMUEL HINKLEY, JR.: First person to take a picture in front of an airbrushed backdrop featuring symbols of wealth (i.e. - cars, champagne, stacks of money, etc.).
RUTHIE MCCAULEY: First person to inform somebody that she “don’t have to do sh** but stay black and die.”
VONIQUE BATES: First person to successfully slap the black off of someone’s a**.
THALMA MARTIN: Cultivator of the “ni**a please” expression.
MAYBELL BROWN: First person to cover a piece of furniture in plastic for everyday use.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Good day, bad day depends how you look at it!
I sat at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6’ 8” tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s butt, not watch a grown man crying."
“This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s butt, not watch a grown man crying."
“This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Thursday, March 24, 2011
10 Thoughts To Ponder
Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And Number 1. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and, as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And Number 1. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and, as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Giving Up Wine LMAO!!!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
ComedySecrets Inbox - My Last Trip To COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
What did she think, I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Having Mom Over for Dinner LOL
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Situation Bombs His Ass Off - Donald Trump Roast
Anthony Jeselnik made me laugh out loud. Larry King, Jeffrey Ross, Marlee Matlin, Donald Trump and Snoop were also good. I missed Lisa and Whitney Cummings.....so I'm not sure how they did. The Situation bombed viciously!!! And Seth MacFarlane was an excellent Roast Master.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Cancel Your Credit Card Before You Die
Can you believe this?
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and,so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank : 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help....'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?
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