Damn Thats Funny

Ellen and Sofia Vergara Are CoverGirls!

2012-02-11T03:30:00.000-05:00

Craigs List

2012-02-10T03:30:00.000-05:00

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Sex and Famous Quotes

2012-02-09T15:26:00.000-05:00

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?

Me neither."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for

a date on Saturday night."

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter

what she's reading."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Woman need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"Accordingly to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain an a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Quote Of The Week

2012-02-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

Loving Father or Complete Idiot......You Decide

2012-02-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

Cartoon Of The Week

2012-02-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

SNL - Kenan Thompson does Steve Harvey

2012-02-06T03:30:00.001-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2012-02-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

Real Housewives Of Late Night Visit Indianapolis For The Super Bowl

2012-02-05T13:27:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl XLVI Giants vs Patriots

2012-02-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

GO PATS!!!

Stereotypes

2012-02-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

But only one of them is a convicted felon

The Secret Of Happiness

2012-02-04T02:54:00.000-05:00

Extra-Ordinary Tebow by John Legend

2012-02-03T12:20:00.001-05:00

Dear Lord

2012-02-03T02:53:00.000-05:00

Family Values

2012-02-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

The 1970's

2012-02-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

The 1970's

No knee-pads, helmets, brakes, or over cautious soccer moms.

Its just how we rolled.

The Hormone Guide

2012-02-02T02:52:00.000-05:00

Quote Of The Week

2012-02-01T03:30:00.000-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2012-02-01T02:51:00.000-05:00

Why is she the only one wearing a jacket?

You'll realize you have a dirty mind

Location...Location...Location

Picture Of The Week

2012-01-31T03:30:00.000-05:00

Justin "John" Bieber

2012-01-31T02:50:00.000-05:00

My name is Justin Bieber and it has been for 50 years, I am not some punk ass singer homosexual but because some little ass bandit has the same name as me I have to use my middle name. God Dammit I'm a human and I have rights too.

Little girls please stop adding me I am not that little punk ass bitch and stop trying cause he likes dick.

I am Justin Bieber, 50 year old carpenter from Ohio. I currently live in Maine. I like prostitutes, booze, and cigarettes. FUCK KIDS.

11 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN IT WAS OKAY TO SAY THE "F" WORD

2012-01-29T13:30:00.000-05:00

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we're sinking?"

Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10 . "What the @#$% was that?"

Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

General Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "@#$% you, it does so look like her!"

Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want what on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered showers, my @#$% ass!"

Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @$%# is going to find out?"

Monica Lewinsky, 1998

1. "I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

Osama Bin Laden, 2011

The Real Jan Brewer

2012-01-29T02:46:00.000-05:00

RIP Comedian Todd Lynn

2012-01-28T02:35:00.000-05:00

Comedy Central Stand-Up
Get More: Jokes,Joke of the Day,Funny Jokes

Click here for complete story

Pop Quiz

2012-01-28T02:01:00.000-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2012-01-27T01:57:00.000-05:00

Friendship: Men vs Woman

2012-01-26T01:55:00.000-05:00

SNL - Tebow meets Jesus

2012-01-25T14:54:00.002-05:00

A Hole In JUAN!

2012-01-25T01:54:00.000-05:00

Cartoon Of The Week

2012-01-24T03:30:00.000-05:00

Joke Of The Week

2012-01-23T01:40:00.000-05:00

Advice from George Carlin

2012-01-22T03:30:00.000-05:00

Cocaine World Championship Finals

2012-01-21T03:30:00.001-05:00

Picture Of The Week

2012-01-21T03:30:00.000-05:00

President Obama sings Al Green song

2012-01-20T11:02:00.001-05:00

Its Not What It Looks Like

2012-01-20T03:30:00.001-05:00

West Virginia

2012-01-20T03:30:00.000-05:00

Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus - Tony Roberts

2012-01-19T20:36:00.001-05:00

Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus

January 26 at 10/9c

Tony Roberts - Sex Tape

www.comedycentral.com

Comedy Central

Funny Videos

Funny TV Shows

Tim Tebow's beef with Jesus

2012-01-19T01:36:00.000-05:00

Best Of Ricky Gervais 2012 Golden Globes! LMAO

2012-01-16T12:17:00.001-05:00

Ricky Gervais 2012 Golden Globes - Opening Monologue

2012-01-16T12:02:00.001-05:00

Happy MLK Day

2012-01-16T01:44:00.000-05:00

Dentist

2012-01-15T15:16:00.003-05:00

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have an abscessed tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a needle to give him a numbing shot.

"No way! Please - needles! I can't stand needles", the man says.

"Ok", answers the Dentist "I understand, some people have that problem".

The Dentist begins to hook up the laughing gas and the man noticing what

the Dentist is doing, quickly objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on

gives me a feeling of suffocation"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman, "Well, do you have any objection

to taking a pill?"

The man thought for a moment and answered "No objection, I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then excused himself as he went to his supply room.

He returned and offered a pill and a glass of water and tells the man,

"Here, take this. It's a Viagra tablet".

The man was surprised and, nearly at a loss for words, uttered in amazement, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer too!"

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to

when I pull your tooth".

Jimmy Fallon Does David Bowie and Tim Tebow

2012-01-13T19:49:00.000-05:00

The Funniest Facebook Comment Ever

2012-01-12T03:30:00.000-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2012-01-11T03:30:00.000-05:00

Mick Jagger on Jimmy Fallon

2012-01-10T03:30:00.001-05:00

Why Comedian Patton Oswalt Tore Into An Audience Member

2012-01-09T17:26:00.003-05:00

Click here to read article

Senior Love

2012-01-09T03:30:00.000-05:00

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

Cartoon Of The Week

2012-01-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

Drivers Ed 2012

2012-01-07T16:38:00.002-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2012-01-07T16:37:00.001-05:00

Company Christmas Party

2012-01-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2011

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2011

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2011

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2011

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2011

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 6, 2011

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

iPhone

2012-01-05T21:30:00.001-05:00

It all began with an iPhone.....

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughters birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook, and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!!!

PS: iHurt!!!!

LIFE'S TOP TEN REALITIES

2012-01-03T03:30:00.000-05:00

NUMBER 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

NUMBER 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

NUMBER 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

NUMBER 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

NUMBER 6

Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

NUMBER 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

NUMBER 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

NUMBER 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

NUMBER 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

As someone recently said to me . . .

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".

Quote Of The Week

2012-01-02T16:13:00.001-05:00

"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed." - author unkown

The First Look At Jay Z & Beyonces Baby

2012-01-01T03:30:00.000-05:00

What's Wrong With The World

2011-12-31T03:30:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T01:25:00.000-05:00

T-Shirt Of The Week

2011-12-30T03:30:00.000-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2011-12-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

Thank you to http://belogcikcikin.blogspot.com/ for this post

AAA's Tipsy Tow

2011-12-28T16:32:00.001-05:00

Thought this was definitely worth a re-post.

New Years Eve/day AAA offers Tipsy Tow: you don't have to be a AAA member, from 6pm-6am on New Years Eve/day, they will take your drunk self and your car home for FREE. There is NO excuse to drink & drive. Save this number... 1-800-222-4357. Please repost this.

Cartoon Of The Week

2011-12-27T03:30:00.000-05:00

George Clooney on Obama

2011-12-26T03:30:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T03:30:00.000-05:00

Lazy Christmas

2011-12-25T01:19:00.000-05:00

The Evolution Of Dance

2011-12-24T16:21:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show - Indecision 2012 Oh, the Hermanity!

2011-12-23T00:24:00.001-05:00

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Kardashian 2011 3D Christmas Card

2011-12-21T13:48:00.002-05:00

Joke Of The Week

2011-12-19T03:30:00.000-05:00

Naked Woman On Phone Booth....Only In LA

2011-12-17T12:57:00.002-05:00

This is beyond confident

Old School Video Of The Week - Pam Anderson on Madtv

2011-12-17T03:30:00.000-05:00

Kevin Hart On The Tonight Show

2011-12-15T01:35:00.001-05:00

Angry Sign Of The Week

2011-12-14T19:19:00.002-05:00

My Living Will

2011-12-13T03:30:00.000-05:00

Wife and Husband Siri Argument

2011-12-11T03:30:00.000-05:00

Joke Of The Week

2011-12-10T03:30:00.000-05:00

Religious Host Laughs at Singing Caller ROTFLMAO!!!!

2011-12-09T03:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Redd Foxx

2011-12-09T03:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Flip Wilson

2011-12-08T15:29:00.001-05:00

Most Awkward Wheel Of Fortune Ever LOL!!

2011-12-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

Old School Video Of The Week - Madtv

2011-12-07T03:30:00.000-05:00

Cartoon Of The Week

2011-12-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

SNL does Miley Cyrus

2011-12-05T10:59:00.001-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2011-12-05T03:30:00.000-05:00

SNL does Herman Cain's exit from GOP presidential race

2011-12-04T21:32:00.001-05:00

Conrad Murray's New Album

2011-12-04T19:45:00.001-05:00

MSNBC & SNL Poke Fun At Herman Cain

2011-12-04T19:44:00.001-05:00

Sign Of The Week

2011-12-02T20:26:00.001-05:00

Virgin Couple Share First Kiss

2011-12-01T03:30:00.000-05:00

Comedian Patrice O'Neal Dies At 41

2011-11-29T18:06:00.001-05:00

O'Neal's manager Matt Frost released this statement today:
It is with terrible sadness we must report that Patrice O’Neal has passed away this morning at 7:00am due to the complications of the stroke he suffered on October 19. Many of us have lost a close and loved friend; all of us have lost a true comic genius. His mother, who was also his best friend, was at his side. Patrice is survived by his wife, Vondecarlo; his step daughter Aymilyon, sister Zinder, and his mother Georgia. The family wishes to thank all of the fans and friends who have expressed an outpouring of love and support for Patrice these past weeks. We ask that you please respect the family’s request for privacy at this difficult time.

Below enjoy Patrice on the Roast of Charlie Sheen

Panhandling Sign Of The Week

2011-11-22T15:10:00.001-05:00

Comedian Steve Sweeney Assaulted!!

2011-11-15T18:22:00.001-05:00

Mike Tyson Does Herman Cain LOL!!

2011-11-12T03:00:00.000-05:00

Herman Cainâs Campaign Promises with Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson

Herman Cain Sings 'Imagine There's No Pizza' from Mike Tyson

Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley Host the 2011 CMA's

2011-11-11T09:18:00.001-05:00

SNL Kardashian Fairytale Divorce Parody LMAO!!

2011-11-09T00:30:00.000-05:00

Darrell Hammond On The View

2011-11-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Herman Cain Song LMAO!!!!!

2011-11-08T19:03:00.004-05:00

Click Here

Rubbers To Go

2011-11-07T14:55:00.001-05:00

Are Whites Racially Oppressed? LMAO

2011-11-05T11:17:00.001-04:00