Thursday, August 28, 2008

Will I Live To See 80???

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.



A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?



''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'



I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'



Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'



'No, I don't,' I said.



He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'



'No,' I said.



He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Ever Wonder Where The Term Dick Head Came From


Monday, August 25, 2008

Funny Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
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On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
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On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
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On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
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On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
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At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

Monday, August 18, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Saturday, August 9, 2008

WE REMEMBER BERNIE MAC: Comedian/actor dies at 50


It's a sad day in the entertainment world. Chicago comedian Bernie Mac has died at age 50.


"Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital," his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles.


No other details were immediately available and the family asked that their privacy be respected.


Mac suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which Smith said was not related to the disease.


Ironically, it was just last weekend that rumors flew around that he had passed away. Unfortunately that rumor became reality this morning.
I got the call at 7:45am this morning. I still cant believe it.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Thought Of The Day


Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Piss on it and walk away.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Guess What This Is














New Cook County Correctional Center, Chicago , Illinois
(I guess if I ever break the law, I'd better do it in Illinois ! Homeless people should have it so good!)
Once again the taxpayer gets stung.
It also shows that in most cases the quality of life for prisoners has improved considerably from what you might expect. And I always thought prison was for punishment.!!!!!
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this comparison chart should make things a little bit clearer:


@ PRISON-You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK-You spend most of your time in a 6X6 cubicle


@ PRISON-You get three fully paid for meals a day
@ WORK-You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it


@ PRISON-For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK-For good behavior, you get more work


@ PRISON-The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK-You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself


@ PRISON-You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK-You could get fired for watchingTV and playing games


@ PRISON-You get your own toilet
@ WORK-You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat


@ PRISON-They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK-You aren't even supposed to speak to your family


@ PRISON-All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required on your part
@ WORK-You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners


@ PRISON-You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK-You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars


@ PRISON-You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK-They are called 'managers'


THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.


Author Unknown

Removed Beijing Post

I had to remove the Free Tickets To Beijing Olympics Post. My daughter (who is of Asain decent) thought it was very offensive.

That wasnt my intent. I post things that I think are funny. Apparently this one crossed the line.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?????

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra#@&&^(C%..........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?